I'm sitting here dwelling on so much know I should of been, could of been, and things that I've held onto when I shouldn't have. All the wrong things I did in my life searching for just one thing right I did, and I'm blinded by all my wrongs... I know people make mistakes but could I be all together one big mistake, do mistakes do right things once in awhile? I'm just so hurt, and empty, and confused on why I'm like this or what I can do to fix it. I want to give up caring, but thats impossible, I'm catching myself gripping so tight on things that are smaller than me, that just slip through my fingers, instead of holding onto and caring about the things that matter, I've held onto a couple girls in my life but just the wrong parts of them, and then I lose them all together and I'm so hurt and alone afterwards. I hold on to such shitty little "after school jobs" and let them go constantly and a bunch of other things, I just turned 23 and I know my 16 year old self would kick my ass and kill himself if he knew that 7 years later I would be doing the same shit. I say to everyone all the time "I want some stability in my life" when I realize everything I do is things I know I can just let go and forget if I cant hold on top them, cause I'm afraid of failing and a little afraid of not having any motivation afterwards. I barely have any motivation now, I barely have any drive to do anything, the only things I do is sleep, Halo 3 beta, argue with Cas on the phone and sometimes get drunk with Robby. Another thing is "my reputation", I really hate it now, it was funny at one point in my life, and it was true but it's not anymore, I'm not like that anymore and I don't want to be but then people just bring it up and keep poking jokes and shit and it's making me want to just say fuck it if I'm viewed like this the rest of my life then why not, I can get away with it... I don't want that shit anymore, I'm 23 I need to grow up, I want to grow up I'm trying to grow up but I'm failing miserably, and I can't take it, and I keep looking for help from friends who need to do the same, I'm not getting any help or support, no defense, just kicks in the ass, but you can only get kicked so many time before your ass is a giant bruise and hurts so much to even do simple things...


PS. I don't think anyone ever checks this and if anyone does it's probably Jess. "Hi Jess."

my stomach just turned, finding something out, i guess i was wrong, i guess it will never end, cause i honestly dont want it to... other than that i think things are going well i work way to much but that has to happen for me to survive... i just need to build up my friends again, all the ones i let go and lost in the past 6 MONTHS, :/ ... life... its never easy, but i get up each day and say fuck you its my time....

i think i should do it more... i really need to get shit moving... i fell stuck where im at no friedns... just chillin at cas's watching movies sleeping and working... idk... i got a raise.. i kinda feel like im the asst manager already... idk... cas keeps hitting me she needs attention.. damn sluts! ha j/k ok movie time ha

i realize i fuck my own shit up, i ignore what i shouldnt most the time.. i know all the angles but i just ignore all the shit i shouldnt... i kinda look for trouble... but also i dont believe im the only one at fault for somethings that are going on... i have a job now things are getting better, and whether it can happen or not i have i girl i really like and shit keep me motivated and that was one thing i lacked for a while... i still dont know what im doing on this fucking site i want to make it special and get cool pictures and some friends but w/e i really needed this site for 2 reasons... to vent and to keep up with certain people who barely talk to me... just people i need help i need good friends, and not ones who want to tell me faults and run away i need them to stick by me and help me change them... and im weening out the fake friends from the real.. and i know who fed up and whos faking... but now im just rambling.

im still so fucking confused on how i feel about this!!!!!

im just on an emotional rollercoster in circles... and its never ending....

I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING!!!!!! JESS HELP,JIMMY,MATT, I DON'T KNOW LIVE JOURNAL I WANT IT PRETTY LIKE WITH FLOWERS AND STUFF... HA

Current Mood: blah

there going somewhere, I feel there going more towards the good than bad, but why do I hurt the way i do....this pain is from everything that i cant control...... that i have no control over Jess and her feelings, over my other friends and if they want me around or even miss me, my family with always letting them down and most importantly how i cant control myself anymore... but it still seems like its gonna be better... i just don't know i hope things work out.....

Current Mood: and hurt
Current Music: Lucero - Nights like these

I have never used this before and I want to make friends but I don't know how, hows that for a first post?

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: anxious